How low can you go

I had the pleasure this afternoon and evening of my daughter here with her kids, my grandboys, which can bring such simple pleasure that even the events of the day melt away with fun antics, silly conversations and just knowing that is unconditional love can sure make the day. We had a great time with lots of good clean fun. 

This came after a very stressed out day. I had an anxiety meeting today, they last two hours long and for 8 weeks are on Monday afternoons. The level of stress before, during and after the meeting is intense. This was our third meeting. I was not my usual animated self. I had nothing much to offer as far as added conversation. I knew I felt this while the meeting was going on. I have felt this crushing depression coming on for weeks. I am behind on my rent, which I had to deal with today. This was horrifying. I do work around the building for approx 40-50 dollars a month, I usually apply this to my rent. In Dec/Jan I handed in my invoice for $102.00, they have not dealt with this yet. I was short one hundred dollars on my Feb rent. This to me would have been covered by the 102.00 they owed me. They now owe me 40.00 for Feb work, wanting to apply that to March rent... I was too late handing in my invoice, this won't be covered now until April. (I was sick last week, I was scared last week, I didn't have enough gas last week) so I called and told her I would be in as soon as possible. Turns out I went today, the 9th. More on this a bit later. 

I am currently dx with agoraphobia,  generalized anxiety disorer, borderline personality disorder, perfectionism, obsessive compulsive disorder, body dysmorphia, clinical depression and a couple of other labels I don't even remember. There is a possibility of bi-polar, an old dx being re-hashed as they delve farther into exactly what "runs my clock". I see a therapist 2 times a month usually, sometimes more. I see a PsychDoc once a month right now. (these are supplied by the government as my income is too low to manage to pay for the priviledge)

Physically, I am dealing with a couple of "nodes" on my right lung. My lungs are in pain, well, my right lung. It feels like I am breathing with someone standing on my chest. I have a constant cough which gets worse when laying down.  I have a puffer for when I get short of breath. I get short of breath several times a day right now, physical movement sometimes, anxiety attacks also contribute. I have a CT scan on April 1st, with contrast dye, planned. I have to stop taking my diabetes med 2 days before the exam. The dye from the exam can damage kidneys, needs to be flushed out asap after the exam. They will check my blood before I can leave.  I am Type2 Diabetic, my kidneys are beginning to show signs of problems, I am waiting to see a nephrologist (kidney specialist) I have high amounts of protein in my urine (proteinurea), white blood cells, red blood cells. This is a sign that my kidneys are not filtering as they should. I had it explained to me thusly: think of your kidneys as window screen filters, when they are working right, picture them with larger holes when they are spilling protein et al when they are not. I just went through a bursting cyst on my ovary, Thank God it did burst, if it had remained the same or grown, cancer would have likely been the dx. I am currently working with GynDoc to figure out what to do next, looks like hysterectomy. I am exhausted. I am literally sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Some days I wonder how I manage at all. 

I am almost 47 years old, feel like I am twice that.  We are working on getting it all straightened out. I pray for my health to return. 

The only reason I go out of the house right now is to deal with these issues. There is no fun in all of this. There is no fun in anything right now, except of course the grandboys and my immediate family. 

To the point of this post at all is this. I finally made it to my rental agency today, with 360.00 in hand. My rent for the month is 700.00. Trying to use the monies owed to me it leaves me owing $298.00, I have no clue how I am going to make it up, but they accepted what I had, no mention of any thing bad. Right after dinner there comes a knock at my door... "hello, I am ??? ????? from the rental agency" He has a strange looking paper in his hand. It is a 10 day Eviction notice. I feel sick. I feel like I am going to go down. Hot flash hits me like a slap in the head. I explain to him (without sounding pissed off or anything) that I was at the office earlier today and had paid some of the rent, talked to ?????? about the rest and no one had mentioned to me that an Eviction notice was even in the works. He did apologise. He said this was the second one today that had been to the office and he had not been told. He took the letter when he left. I did tell him that THEY owe me money too. Which would have helped had it been paid on time. 

Our last minstry cheque was issued Feb18th. My CPP disability was issued 4 days later, I should have gone then. I really should have. I didn't. My agoraphobia has me pinned down hard right now. I did phone them and tell them I was sick, that I would be in asap, I told her it might be thurday last week. I couldn't go. I couldn't go Friday. In the meantime I did manage to go out once and get groceries, utilizing the need for meds as a way out of the house, I get my meds at Safeway, two birds with one stone, so to speak. I used some of my rent for groceries. I should not have. I should have just starved. I should never have touched that money. I should have starved. End of story. 

There is no happy end to this story. There is no good to this story. I am broke, I owe hydro 180.00, I owe the phone 210.00, I owe 280.00 on my rent. It is time for food again. There is no gas in my car. (well, that is a lie, I put in 10dollars today so I could get to the bank and the rental agency)

I am having a panic attack now as I type. I am sweating, heart is pounding, neck is sore. I feel sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do. 

Life sucks.

The financial effects if being low income and Diabetic 

This is just kind of a blog of my thoughts about low income, all of us going through harder times and how I deal or don't deal with it. Sometimes I just need to type out my thoughts, an editorial thingy? I am not looking for sympathy here, just letting my ideas kind of run with what I have been dealing with. I am a Type2 Diabetic, diagnosed on Sept 17th, 2008. I deal with my blood sugar numbers by lowering my carb (sugar) intake, exercise and an oral med called Metformin 500/mg/day. 

I am on a disability pension and had been working until the second week in Feb, my job has now ended so I have lost around $700.00mnth in income. My last paycheque was actually Jan 1st, so this is a cumulation of how quickly things can get out of hand. Not only has this already affected the normal flow of the house (cutting off the cable, can't afford it) trying to hussle money from one place to another to make sure power and rent is paid, etc. (behind on phone, rent and power as I type) It has made a HUGE impact on what I can afford to buy for food, which in turn now is affecting my carb intake. 

I am not a financier by any means, I have a terrible time with budgets, etc. This has been the way it is for me for years. I am currently going to get some help trying to budget, but when there is no money to budget, it doesn't matter how good you are at it, it doesn't add up at months end. 

There is always the odd friend you can call in a favour on and borrow some money for a week or so, but then when the money does come in, of course you pay it back, leaving things further in the red. The vicious cycle begins. 

I have one friend who uses payday loans, I don't do that anymore, that was the worst thing to come along for me. Robbing peter to pay paul over and over again. 

So now I look in my fridge, and it is full of condiments, lots of vinegar type things, mayo, ketchup etc, so I could drink the pickle juice and keep my levels down. Sarcasm sux. Sorry. OH! I spy some yogurts, those little mini guys that just get the tummy started on expecting food. There are 4 left. 

I look in the freezer, there is rye flour, spelt flour, one piece of cod, some scarey looking bananas ready for 'nana bread. Now the pantry, there are some legumes (kidney, lentils, garbanzo) so I can make a type of chili tomorrow to last a couple of days. A couple of cans of crushed tomatoes, good for the chili.

Then, there are soups. Cream of 'shroom, 1, Tomatoe 3, Chicken noodle, 4. All filled with carbs. All of them bad choices for food. Oh yeah, there is a full package of spaghetti in there too. 

There is not a single piece of fresh fruit, veg or salady type thing to be seen. I am craving a big salad right now. 

So I am spiking up and down like a yo you, even having some lows (to me anyhow, I start feeling messed up in the 4s (72) which may not be low for some, but my body doesn't like it. I am currently having these lows for a couple of reasons, first one being, I am starving my body. Second, when I do make something to eat for myself and my son, it ends up being cheapy carbs.So a few reactive lows in there also. So, FBS this morning was strange, because at 330AM I tested and it was 9.1 (164), test again at 8am, it is 8.1 (145)  so I fast until 1pm this afternoon, not an uncommon thing with me, actually. FBS=6.4 (115.5)

I then had a can of chicken soup, a couple (well, 6) crackers in it. Ate the whole can. Still hungry. Numbers at 3pm 15.1! (272)

I am currently sitting here starving to death, or so it feels like, but there is NOTHING in this house I am safe to eat at the moment and my reading was just 4 (72) again. 

My eating/sleeping habits are getting all out of whack, I am in continual pain from feeling hungry, thirsty all the time again, then up all night dealing with the water intake. And up till all hours of the night (going on for 2 am here right now. 

Money is the absolute root of all the evil in my life right now (that and the unending physical probs) 

There is no way I would say money would fix all of my troubles, but at this point, around 95% of them. 

Thanks for listening to me ramble on, if you made it through this you deserve a medal, like I said before, this is just my view on low income and trying to eat well. They do NOT go hand in hand. 

PS. yes, I am looking for another part time job right now. I don't like being considered on the dole.

 

Not in the right order, more whining

...another long one, bear with me please.

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OK, I am going to carry on and try to remember what I had posted yesterday when my message flew off into cyberspace! Argggh! I tend to use I when *edit: sometimes* meaning we, just to clarify I know it is not just me at all. 

The dire state of all our nations right now financially is absolutely unacceptable. We produce more food than we ever eat, so to the landfills it goes. We are truly in the midst of a Recession that feels much more like a Depression. Trying not to bring politics into it (which is hard when it is government(s) who we vote for, in whom we put our trust into. The Billions and Trillions in incentive programs right now almost feels like my face is being rubbed in it. 

I fully understand the "reasoning" for this, as without these buyouts/loans etc there would be millions more people losing their jobs. This of course then impacts the entire infrastructure as people tighten their belts just to try and live. If we are not able to afford to go even to McDonalds, someone local will feel the repercussions, the till clerk, the cook, the manager, the owner. Every one of us are dealing with harder times. 

I am plagued by an old school pride my parents instilled in me and I know how they would feel, if they were still here, to see myself and my family in the boat we are in. Pride goeth before the fall, so I am going to have to suck it up and take the help that is out there. I have been to the food bank a couple of times in the past, here is what I would get as a single parent with a 17yr old young man. :
1lb of burger meat (occasionally), oatmeal, macaroni, milk (1L)(occasionally also) small bag of cereal, as much bread as I can carry, a couple of cans of soup, kraft dinner, perhaps a couple of mini yogurts, doughnuts, rice, perhaps if there is some, some fresh veg and fruit. 

This is allowed once a month, on Thursdays, they call it bag day and they are very stringent about the timing. In order to get the "good" or "best" foods, it entails standing in line for at least an hour, usually two, first thing in the morning. I did just google my local food bank and found out (something I did not know) that I can go daily, early, for fresh veg/fruit and more bread if needed! Amazingly enough, the food bank is within walking distance for me so it would be a good way to kill a couple of birds at once.  The times I did go before, I was so appreciative that I came home, wrote a note and took it back, thanking them.  

When I am working, I donate to the food bank every time I shop. Seeing I now understand what people may need being on special diets, I try to donate things appropriate for that. Canned fruit (packed in water, of course!) low carb fixins of any kind.

I certainly don't have any answers to these dilemmas we are facing. I am not a politician, nor do I want to be. (I am far too brutally honest! yes sir, I did inhale) but I am certainly going to be looking into some sort of advocacy, first to help myself, get educated about this and other aspects of living below the poverty line (well, he LL, I guess I am about as educated in that as a person could be!) and then to help others.

In the meantime, yesterday I decided that on Thursday I will indeed go to the foodbank. I then took some of my rent money (omg, I hope that I have not gone too far, but they actually owe me for the past 3 months, I do small maintenance around the building, sweeping, clearing snow, keeping the laundry room clean, etc, about 50 bucks a month) and went to shop. I grabbed meat, veg, fruit, a couple of treat/snacks for my son, all things store brand, so I ended up with quite a few bags for about a hundred bucks. We had a GREAT dinner last night, all good food, all good for us, and both of us complaining about being full (lol, oh the irony of life)

The weight off my shoulders, especially for my son, has been lifted for the now... I do have to deal with the rental people later this morning, but I can deal with that then. I just pray that they don't try and evict me, as there is absolutely no where to rent here in our little town. I also have to make a couple of phone calls about the power and phone/internet (which, my sister so kindly told me, are NOT necessities!! WTF?) Dealing with my business today is going to make things better, I know it is. Not dealing with it causing the snowball effect, which I am not in any way able to deal with. 

Simply Poor

I am currently on a disability pension, subsidized by the Ministry of Housing and Social Development (newest name change, fall of '08) .  My last income tax statement (2008) with taxes, basic personal amounts,  tax breaks, etc was approx 12500.00.  (line 150) This year I think it's approx 13,000.00

Either way, this is below the poverty line for my province. I have a 17yr old son, who needs to eat like a horse. He is over 6ft tall and considered a young man. He eats like a grown man. 

I myself have several health issues, one being Type2 Diabetes. I need to have a special diet for this in order to keep my blood sugars in control. I get an extra 35 dollars a month on my Ministry cheque for this. 

My medications are subsidized fully, Thank God. I picked up some of them yesterday, $489.00. 

I pay $700.00/mnth for rent, 68.00 for power, 100.00 for phone, internet. I used to have cable.That was 70.00/mnth. I have just cut out that luxury. This adds up to $11256.00 per year, including the cable which I just cut off this month.  I think the phone and internet will be the next to go. This is also a luxury in my book. 

This then leaves: (calculating from net income of 12500.00) $1244/ per year left for living on. Dividing that by 12, it leaves me $103.00 per month. This also looks good. I have not bought any food yet, paid my 75.00 car insurance/mnth, clothed either of us, had a treat, rented a movie. I have done nothing yet. I am currently working on quitting smoking, which costs approx 190.00/mnth. Get it yet? I don't know how I live at all. I really don't. 

A lot of robbing peter to pay paul, shuffling money around and many many broke days. It is sad when I tell my son, no sorry, you can't go to the movies with your friends this weekend. It is sad when I tell him no, there will be no Mcdonalds treats this month. It is sad that there will be no normalness in your life. 

We live below the poverty line son. 

This is our lives on the P list.