How low can you go

I had the pleasure this afternoon and evening of my daughter here with her kids, my grandboys, which can bring such simple pleasure that even the events of the day melt away with fun antics, silly conversations and just knowing that is unconditional love can sure make the day. We had a great time with lots of good clean fun. 

This came after a very stressed out day. I had an anxiety meeting today, they last two hours long and for 8 weeks are on Monday afternoons. The level of stress before, during and after the meeting is intense. This was our third meeting. I was not my usual animated self. I had nothing much to offer as far as added conversation. I knew I felt this while the meeting was going on. I have felt this crushing depression coming on for weeks. I am behind on my rent, which I had to deal with today. This was horrifying. I do work around the building for approx 40-50 dollars a month, I usually apply this to my rent. In Dec/Jan I handed in my invoice for $102.00, they have not dealt with this yet. I was short one hundred dollars on my Feb rent. This to me would have been covered by the 102.00 they owed me. They now owe me 40.00 for Feb work, wanting to apply that to March rent... I was too late handing in my invoice, this won't be covered now until April. (I was sick last week, I was scared last week, I didn't have enough gas last week) so I called and told her I would be in as soon as possible. Turns out I went today, the 9th. More on this a bit later. 

I am currently dx with agoraphobia,  generalized anxiety disorer, borderline personality disorder, perfectionism, obsessive compulsive disorder, body dysmorphia, clinical depression and a couple of other labels I don't even remember. There is a possibility of bi-polar, an old dx being re-hashed as they delve farther into exactly what "runs my clock". I see a therapist 2 times a month usually, sometimes more. I see a PsychDoc once a month right now. (these are supplied by the government as my income is too low to manage to pay for the priviledge)

Physically, I am dealing with a couple of "nodes" on my right lung. My lungs are in pain, well, my right lung. It feels like I am breathing with someone standing on my chest. I have a constant cough which gets worse when laying down.  I have a puffer for when I get short of breath. I get short of breath several times a day right now, physical movement sometimes, anxiety attacks also contribute. I have a CT scan on April 1st, with contrast dye, planned. I have to stop taking my diabetes med 2 days before the exam. The dye from the exam can damage kidneys, needs to be flushed out asap after the exam. They will check my blood before I can leave.  I am Type2 Diabetic, my kidneys are beginning to show signs of problems, I am waiting to see a nephrologist (kidney specialist) I have high amounts of protein in my urine (proteinurea), white blood cells, red blood cells. This is a sign that my kidneys are not filtering as they should. I had it explained to me thusly: think of your kidneys as window screen filters, when they are working right, picture them with larger holes when they are spilling protein et al when they are not. I just went through a bursting cyst on my ovary, Thank God it did burst, if it had remained the same or grown, cancer would have likely been the dx. I am currently working with GynDoc to figure out what to do next, looks like hysterectomy. I am exhausted. I am literally sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Some days I wonder how I manage at all. 

I am almost 47 years old, feel like I am twice that.  We are working on getting it all straightened out. I pray for my health to return. 

The only reason I go out of the house right now is to deal with these issues. There is no fun in all of this. There is no fun in anything right now, except of course the grandboys and my immediate family. 

To the point of this post at all is this. I finally made it to my rental agency today, with 360.00 in hand. My rent for the month is 700.00. Trying to use the monies owed to me it leaves me owing $298.00, I have no clue how I am going to make it up, but they accepted what I had, no mention of any thing bad. Right after dinner there comes a knock at my door... "hello, I am ??? ????? from the rental agency" He has a strange looking paper in his hand. It is a 10 day Eviction notice. I feel sick. I feel like I am going to go down. Hot flash hits me like a slap in the head. I explain to him (without sounding pissed off or anything) that I was at the office earlier today and had paid some of the rent, talked to ?????? about the rest and no one had mentioned to me that an Eviction notice was even in the works. He did apologise. He said this was the second one today that had been to the office and he had not been told. He took the letter when he left. I did tell him that THEY owe me money too. Which would have helped had it been paid on time. 

Our last minstry cheque was issued Feb18th. My CPP disability was issued 4 days later, I should have gone then. I really should have. I didn't. My agoraphobia has me pinned down hard right now. I did phone them and tell them I was sick, that I would be in asap, I told her it might be thurday last week. I couldn't go. I couldn't go Friday. In the meantime I did manage to go out once and get groceries, utilizing the need for meds as a way out of the house, I get my meds at Safeway, two birds with one stone, so to speak. I used some of my rent for groceries. I should not have. I should have just starved. I should never have touched that money. I should have starved. End of story. 

There is no happy end to this story. There is no good to this story. I am broke, I owe hydro 180.00, I owe the phone 210.00, I owe 280.00 on my rent. It is time for food again. There is no gas in my car. (well, that is a lie, I put in 10dollars today so I could get to the bank and the rental agency)

I am having a panic attack now as I type. I am sweating, heart is pounding, neck is sore. I feel sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do. 

Life sucks.